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Fantastic Beasts: the five crimes of Grindelwald

One of the great mysteries of the Harry Potter spin-off Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, was how a movie that gained rave reviews, an ‘A’ CinemaScore and crossed the $800 million milestone came to be considered ‘lacklustre’.

Still, I doubt the studio are wringing their hands. Twitter and Youtube were buzzing when the teaser trailer for the next movie – The Crimes Of Grindelwald – was released last week.

If he’s going to be sinning against the magical world, what crimes can we expect Gellert Grindelwald to commit?

Escape custody.

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Obviously. We don’t know how much time has passed since Newt managed to outsmart Grindelwald and deliver him to the wands of MACUSA’s Aurors, but judging by his long hair, he’s been captive for a few months at least.

Apparently audiences groaned when Colin Farrell’s disguise vanished to reveal a bloated and bleached Johnny Depp.

Following his rushed reveal, hair and makeup have worked their magic, casting a Revelio charm on Depp’s cheekbones. Grindelwald needs a hell-raising rock star vibe, and Johnny Depp fits the bill perfectly.

End Madam Picquery’s incompetent reign of smugness.

“Do you think you can hold me?” Grindelwald asked MACUSA’s useless, smug and incompetent Madam Picquery, giving her a contemptuous stare down.

She refused to accept her city had an Obscurial problem, and didn’t notice her right-hand man was being impersonated by the world’s most wanted wizard – all while lecturing European officials for letting him slip through their fingers.

Picquery ignored Tina’s pleas when she apprehended Newt on his arrival in New York, yet later claimed outrage that she didn’t tell her straight away. She had them both arrested, before the pair were nearly executed by Graves/Grindelwald.

I’m surprised more fans didn’t pick up on Picquery’s Fudge-like incompetence. She’s definitely arrogant enough to think she could challenge an escaped Grindelwald.

Kick Newt Scamander’s head in. Again.

If I were a bumbling, animal-loving Brit wanting a quiet life – which I am – and I had thwarted the evil plans of a deranged dark wizard, I would stay as far away from that individual as possible.

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We adore him: Magical bigwigs are terrified Dumbledore will make his own power play

Except Dumbledore is clearly a hard man to say ‘no’ to. “I can’t move against Grindelwald,” he tells Scamander in the trailer. “It has to be you.”

Last time Newt encountered an enraged Grindelwald, the wild-eyed dark wizard pinned him to a railway track and tortured him with Sith lightening.

Newt should have been airlifted by Thestral to New York’s version of St Mungo’s. Somehow – and this is a symptom of the badly rushed final showdown – Newt was fine in seconds.

In the cinema you had to strain to hear Grindelwald’s parting words to Newt: “Will we die just a little?” It was probably ad-libbed by Depp when he couldn’t remember his lines. He meant to say “You’re going to die, little British Hufflepuff weedling.” Gulp.

Corrupt Credence Bowlcut some more.

While Newt crashed around looking for his missing critters, the international threat of dark magic bubbled away like a cauldron in the background.

A third plot line saw teenage orphan Credence Barebone wreak havoc as an Obscurius. Cowering in fear of his religious, witch-hating adoptive mother, Credence was groomed and brutally rejected by Grindelwald, before the dark wizard realized the boy’s raw destructive power.

Don’t expect Credence to be transfigured into a sunny character any time soon. It’ll take more than a new life with the circus and the motherly(?) attention of a fellow performer to turn that Obscurial frown upside down.

Grindelwald looks like he has his Bellatrix Lestrange – Vinda Rosier (played by Poppy Corby-Tuech), from one of Britain’s ancient and prestigious magical bloodlines.

Will he will try to recruit young Credence again? What side will Credence choose?

Mass slaughter for the greater good.

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Hands off my Niffler!

‘For the greater good’ is Grindelwald’s philosophy and his justification for his actions in the wizarding war. Yet ‘Crimes’ is only the second movie in a franchise that will span a 19 year timeline, so it’s unlikely we will see Grindelwald do his worst yet.

Potterheads will know most of the main cast are safe. Little is known about Newt’s brother and his enigmatic fiancée, Leta Lestrange, played by Zoë Kravitz, but it seems unlikely that such promising characters will get bumped off too quickly.

Grindelwald will probably target Muggles, but personally, I’d be more worried about the magical creatures.

Newt’s beasts could be in serious peril this time.

Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald is out 16 November this year.

Book Haul! Future adaptations Ophelia & The Lost Wife

Earlier this year I read Lion, about a little Indian boy, Saroo, who gets lost in Kolkata, and survives on the streets before being adopted by an Australian family. As an adult he tracks down his mother and sister in India by using Google Earth.

The incredible true story became a movie starring Nicole Kidman and Dev Patel. I watched it and couldn’t help but be disappointed – it wasn’t a patch on the book. Yet if I’d seen it in theatres first, I wouldn’t have bothered picking up the memoir.

As a film blogger, I’d already packed my incredibly packed (not really) reading list with some future adaptations and it’s quite a mix – YA, historical, science fiction. I better get cracking before I’m tempted to laze in front of the screen. Here goes the YA/fluffier reading..

Ophelia, by Lisa Klein

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Ophelia by Lisa Klein

Get thee to a nunnery…not as passionate as Juliet, or bold and witty as Beatrice, Ophelia has always seemed a flimsy role.

But Lisa Klein’s re-imagining of Hamlet from his love interest’s perspective has forever banished thoughts of her as a tragic waif.

We meet Ophelia as a motherless girl moving to the court of Danish King Hamlet, with her ambitious father Polonius and callow brother Laertes.

Under Queen Gertrude’s slightly capricious care, Ophelia grows into an exceptionally intelligent woman whom I can see inhabited by Daisy Ridley. She catches the eye of Prince Hamlet, and becomes an expert on botany and herbology, curing the ailments of people at court.

What if she used those skills – and her formidable intelligence – to try to survive the tragedy that engulfs her family and Denmark?

I was a bit doubtful when I read that the characters talk with ‘contemporary language’, but it’s not “Yo Hamlet, your mother’s a total MILF.” (Gertrude will be played by Naomie Watts.) They don’t speak in blank verse, but there is a vivid sense of time and place.

As a professor of Shakespeare and Renaissance literature, Klein knows the setting and characters, and the result is a very atmospheric YA novel with a genuinely impressive heroine, although I did find the final quarter heavy-going.

Wrapped back in July after shooting in the Czech Republic, the film will star George MacKay – who was very good in Captain Fantastic – as Hamlet, and Tom ‘Draco Malfoy’ Felton as Laertes.

The Lost Wife, by Alyson Richman

Daisy Ridley is having a busy year (or two). In this, she is slated to play a young art student in WWII Prague.

Lenka, a young Jewish woman living with her well-heeled family, falls in love with a classmate’s older brother, Josef, who is following his father’s footsteps into medicine. They marry, but when he escapes with his family for the USA, Lenka’s own family are unable to follow, and the couple are torn apart.

This is well-researched (life in Prague before the occupation; the artwork of Jews suffering in the ghetto Terezin; the bravery of a few to produce an underground movement) but I couldn’t take to it.

Richman’s prose is flowing and romantic, but this is no epic, ambitious narrative. I didn’t believe Lenka and Josef were real people, while the secondary characters are very lightly daubed on the page, and their stories end (tragically) when it is clearly very convenient, which undercuts the tragedy.

I also have doubts about Richman’s decision to start the novel with the conclusion.

It’s hard to dismiss this as lightweight when Auschwitz and Mengele – names which strike immediate horror – appear in the text. Lenka’s choices and circumstances are naturally going to be heart-wrenching, but if I wanted to read a deeply affecting account of the Holocaust, there are plenty of books out there.

I suspect Richman just isn’t a writer I could enjoy. It’s far too early to say anything about the movie, but I hope they change it so that the ending….is at the end.

Next week, I review some forthcoming sci-fi adaptations….

TV REVIEW: Game of Thrones season 7 is short and full of terrors

At the start of season seven I wrote a grumpy post about how much I didn’t love Game of Thrones. Once they used up Grim’s good books (the first three!) from the Ice and Fire series, and then outpaced the novels entirely, the HBO show went downhill.

Of course, I carried on watching for the sheer spectacle. It’s fun to read the theories and get into the post-episode breakdowns. Plus (with a few glaring exceptions) it’s a fine cast, and easy to invest in the characters (knowing full well they’ll get killed off when you do).

I like to muse over which character I’d be if Westeros were real, although I’d probably be stone cold dead. I’d try to live by the sea, eking out my days and avoiding trouble – basically the same as my life here on Earth really.

The Red Priestess gig looks good. They never seem to feel the cold, and Stannis’ erstwhile sorceress possesses the hocus-pocus to look fab at 400 years old.

I’d love to be that arch and dramatic, but I’m more of a Gilly, the girl who thought being a Wildling made her “sound a bit dangerous.” She’s currently in the Citadel with Sam, who has turned out to be a total wildcard.

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Knocking spots off that Targaryen girl: Hannah Murray as the absent Gilly. Credit HBO

Jon, meanwhile, is busy stomping around Dragonstone for his precious obsidian. (He got Davos to make those cave drawings, right?)

I hope Tyrion gets behind Jon, and I hope Jon & Dany don’t happen. Kit needs something to act opposite, and Jon, like Robb, needs to avoid exotic bimbos and marry a nice Westerosi girl. Meera Reed is available…

Because Bran is the Three Eyed Raven now, and people are gunning for Sansa to claim the North. Really? So far, Sansa has excelled at two things: being brutalized and running a castle. She was born to be a good highborn wife and run the domestic sphere – not command men or be a politician.

High on my Thrones wish list is seeing Jaime get together with Brienne, assuming she’ll still have him after he got sucker-punched by an old lady. I suppose the Kingslayer is a catch, although I wouldn’t want Cersei’s cast-offs. Ugh.

I think in the books he was well shot of her by now. Maybe the Drogon near-miss and the dip in a lake will bring him to his senses, finally.

It’s winter for our heroes, but summer for us fans. Years of trudging through the seasons have led to this payoff –  dragons over Westeros, Stark reunions and the unveiling of secret Targaryens.

And yup, we’ve already hit this season’s halfway point, for it is short and full of terrors…(Come back Melisandre!)

TV REVIEW: Channel 4’s The Windsors

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Channel 4

Channel 4’s spoof royal soap opera The Windsors – which just returned for a second run – may not be subtle, but it’s a fun distraction, and if there’s any one thing this blogger is addicted to, it is fun distractions.

I know a lot of people think the show is puerile.

Yes, the actors (led by Harry Enfield as Prince Charles) all give outrageous, panto performances. They’re either gin-soaked villains and/or monumentally, irredeemably stupid.

Save for the Duke of Edinburgh’s expletive-riddled written missives (“Dear Funny Foreigner…”) which are read out by other characters, the Queen and her husband are absent, which is more than fine, as they’ve got The Crown, and it’s on Netflix and it’s waaay more prestigious.

And although The Windsors is meant to be silly, all the characters are actually quite sweet and sad and touching, like poor Fergie (Katy Wix), desperate to be allowed back into the fold.

I’ve read the anonymous comments about the real Royal Family on places like Mail Online and people can be harsh and resentful (to put it lightly). Then there are fawning blogs, where for ‘Princess Kate’ fans, she’s Cinderella. (The Windsors writers Bert Tyler-Moore and George Jeffrie have the former Miss Middleton as a gullible sweetheart from a family of travellers.)

With the media focus on the ‘main three’ of Kate, William and Harry, Fergie’s girls have been relegated to bit-part players, but Tyler-Moore and Jeffrie have made B&E (Ellie White and Celeste Dring) main characters, which is nice. They’re depicted as airhead Sloanes who didn’t get the memo that they’re on the fringes of their own family, which..isn’t so nice.

It makes me feel almost sorry for the real Yorks, who sadly lack a certain media-friendly, fashion-savvy charm (constantly referred to as the ‘ugly stepsisters’), unlike the willowy Delevingne sisters, or even the Middletons. (I’ve written before that nothing would end the monarchy faster than an unattractive princess/future queen waiting in the wings.)

Pippa too (played here by the very talented Morgana Robinson as a vampish vixen seething with sisterly jealousy) can’t be seen to be having too much fun, before some online commentator yells: “Your sister is royal not you!!!” It’s as if to kowtow to the Cambridges, we have to remind ourselves we have some dignity by gloating at the position of the ‘lesser’ royals and royals-by-association.

Miss Markle, are you sure you want to join the cast of this real-life institution?!

The Windsors series 2 consists of six episodes. It continues on Channel 4 in the UK on Wednesdays. Get ready for the arrival of one President Trump!

REVIEW: Manchester by the Sea

Faced with the prospect of going to see Manchester by the Sea, I wondered if I’m a serious movie fan at all. When it’s freezing out, wouldn’t I just be happier staying in and watching Bridget Jones’s Baby?

Well, at least the cold weather helped make Kenneth Lonergan’s Oscar buzzy movie about bereavement immersive.

In a wintry Boston suburb, depressed janitor Lee Chandler has his guilt-ridden life existence interrupted by the death of his older brother Joe (Kyle Chandler), forcing him to return to his hometown of Manchester-by-the-Sea to look after his teenage nephew Patrick.

Like another Oscar contender, Jackie, it’s a movie all about planning a funeral, except here the ground is too hard and cold to bury the dead. Flashbacks show old Lee as a boisterous man married to Michelle Williams (another tear-jerking performance as a working-class mother for the actress!)

We learn that the couple have a shared tragedy – a tragedy that means Lee can’t remain in Manchester. This causes tension with the nephew, played by Lucas Hedges. I don’t know how Kyle Chandler came up with this kid, or how the little charmer gets all the adoring girls.

Hedges is otherwise fine (one cringe-worthy crying scene aside) as a selfish teen who doesn’t want his grimy-looking life uprooted, and who happens to be bound to an emotionally closed-off, inarticulate time bomb.

Lee is aggressive, tightly wound, numb. I didn’t go into Manchester rooting for Affleck, but the performance had an authenticity that the likes of Gosling wouldn’t have had. I don’t know if it’s the kind of indelible, undeniable performance that justifies the awards sweep (before Denzel’s SAG triumph turned the Best Actor competition into a two-horse race).

It’s not overwhelmingly bleak thanks to its well-observed humour, but it’s far too long – whether it’s a bona fide masterpiece or just another well-made Sundance indie.

2017 movies

The Year Ahead

It’s my first post of 2017, and I thought I better get it published before this month is over, the Oscars have been handed out, and we’re moving into summer blockbuster territory.

This is about movies slated for release this year that I just might casually wind up seeing, like, um, Episode VIII. If I can find the time, of course. Ahem.

Honestly, I’ll probably be at home watching movies (*cough Star Wars I – VII cough*) on DVD and catching the latest digital releases on streaming platforms far more than I will be seeing the newest flicks at the local multiplex.

But these are the films calling me, blinking, out into 2017…

Remember last year when everyone was going on about Brie Larson in Room and Alicia Vikander in The Danish Girl (when they weren’t going on about it being Leo’s turn)? They were the It Girls and went on to win Oscars for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress respectively. Well this year, it’s all about Natalie Portman vs Emma Stone for Best Actress.

I will certainly see Stone in La La Land, and I’ll also try to see Jackie, although Portman’s voice in the trailers makes me want to stuff my ears with one of the late First Lady’s headscarves. Yes, it really looks like Portman will be a two-time Oscar winner come February.

Last year’s winner, Larson, is back with Kong: Skull Island, which I’m actually excited for as I loved the 2005 Peter Jackson King Kong. (The new movie is an original take on the tale, and not connected to the earlier movie, BTW.)

Vikander’s 2017 bow, meanwhile, will be in the long-delayed historical drama Tulip Fever. It’ll also feature Cara Delevingne, although the interesting wannabe actress will have a bigger part in Luc Besson’s Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. Will it be up there with the best of Besson?

Sticking to the sci-fi theme, nothing is keeping me away from Alien: Covenant (oh my beloved Prometheus) and Ghost in the Shell. Nothing!

I want to see Victoria and Abdul, which filmed over at Osborne house on the Isle of Wight. Judi Dench will play Queen Victoria in the drama about the monarch’s friendship with a young Indian servant. Based on the book by Shrabani Basu (which I haven’t read) it sounds similar to the award-winning Mrs Brown, which also saw Dench reign as Queen Victoria.

Another adaptation I’m looking out for is Mudbound, starring Jason Clarke and Carey Mulligan. Based on the novel by Hillary Jordan, it premieres at Sundance later this month.

What else? Sofia Coppola is back, and she brings with her Nicole Kidman, Kirsten Dunst, Colin Farrell and Elle Fanning for The Beguiled, a remake of Clint Eastwood’s 1971 movie of the same name. Seriously, that cast is amazing.

I want to see Kristen Stewart in Olivier Assayas’ Personal Shopper. Long before Twilight, Stewart’s brand of twitchy lip-biting was considered profound by critics. And so it is once more.

Really, there’s a lot of stuff that seems promising right now – films like Hidden Figures, Christopher Nolan’s Dunkirk, Ex Machina director Alex Garland’s Annihilation (starring Portman), Ben Wheatley’s Free Fire, Terence Davies’ Emily Dickinson biopic A Quiet Passion, and the comedy Logan Lucky from Steven Soderbergh, starring Adam Driver.

And OK, I admit it: if I were only allowed one cinema trip this year, I’d forgo everything else to see Star Wars: Episode VIII when it arrives in December.

What movies are you most looking forward to in 2017? 

Hard work pays off for Isle of Wight personal trainer

Disappointing weather hasn’t deterred Jo-Anne Munt from her cycling, running and kite-surfing routine.

The Isle of Wight-based personal trainer, 46, finds that one of the misconceptions people have about her job is that it automatically keeps her ultra fit.

“It does keep me to a certain level of fitness, but I do also have to do my own workouts too the same as everyone else,” she explains.

It would also be easy to assume that she has always been a health and fitness diehard. In reality – it was, she says, more of a gradual progression.

“I used to smoke and eat pizzas! I had no idea. I did enjoy cross country at school, all be it with a cigarette down my sock,” she recalls.

It was when her personal circumstances were at a low ebb and she was “very much in a shell”, that exercise began to play a more significant role in her life.

Her eating habits improved over time, and she started swimming and running which led to enrolling for classes where an instructor encouraged her to become a professional.

She explains: “I started attending a small circuit training class in East Cowes. The girl who ran it said I should think about working in the fitness industry. I had never thought about it, just enjoyed keeping fit. I had hardly any confidence at that time.”

After qualifying in 2006 as a fitness instructor she started working at a lottery-funded community gym.

“It was a tiny place, only 5 people per session. I also ran a weekly circuit class for the over 50s that was quite popular,” says Jo.

She gained the crucial level 3 personal training certificate in 2008 and is now based at a leisure club in Cowes and also visits clients at their homes or at the beach or park.

“I love working outside and at people’s homes,” she says. “It’s pretty challenging in small spaces, thinking on your feet, making sessions fun and enjoyable. Running on the beach, how lucky am I then!”

With her work ethic and love of mountain biking, stand-up paddle boarding and kayaking, Jo’s life may sound impossibly active, but she is down to earth and committed to helping clients begin a healthier life.

“I love seeing people start to enjoy their exercise, embrace a new lifestyle and leave each session happy.”

Naturally, she continues to undertake courses to extend her knowledge and increase her skills, and has recently become a qualified Pilates instructor.

She has also passed instructor courses in suspension training, boxercise and spinning.

And having gained a GP referral qualification she can train people who have been referred to exercise by their doctor.

She has even trained to teach hoop exercise – working out with a hula-hoop to trim the waistline and improve core strength.

“To be good at my job it is essential to stay up to date and continue learning, plus I love it,” she enthuses.

One thing she has never qualified as is a miracle worker: “People sometimes think exercise can erase bad eating habits, or that seeing a personal trainer is enough. It’s not! I can only advise!”

Explore the Isle of Wight this Summer: 5 things to do

For day-trippers and those looking for a weekend break, the Isle of Wight has plenty to offer. Check out five things to do there this summer!

Scenery: The Needles Landmark Attraction. Enjoy the stunning Needles rocks, lighthouse, and iconic chair lift down Alum Bay with its multi-coloured sand cliffs. Over the summer the Needles Landmark Attraction is open late every Thursday for live music, games and a fireworks spectacular.
When: ‘Music & Magic in the Skies’ is every Thursday until 27th August. 

History: Carisbrooke Castle, where King Charles I was imprisoned before his execution.This unforgettable English Heritage-managed property has probably inspired many budding historians and writers. In August this extraordinary setting plays host to a medieval joust.
When: Medieval Joust 18-20 August and 25-27 August. 

Sport: Cowes Week (Or Aberdeen Asset Management Cowes Week) is one of the UK’s longest running sporting events and the UK’s biggest regatta. And you don’t have to be into sailing to enjoy it. Just soak up the atmosphere and action. Brilliant fireworks display on the Friday.
When: 8th August -15th August.

Food: The Garlic festival.  No, it’s not just about celebrating the pungent stuff. There will be an amazing choice of food marquees and cooking demonstrations at this two-day attraction. Features include live music, animals, and a fun fair.
When: 15th August -16th August. 

Music: The Bestival. The annual music festival held at Robin Hood Adventure Park is smaller and arguably more alternative than June’s Isle of Wight Festival. One regular Bestival-goer says: “I’m looking forward to Jurassic 5, Fickle Friends, Kidnap Kid and Honeyblood.”
When: 10th – 13th September.

Have you visited any of the above events or attractions? If you have any tips for readers, or any questions, please get in touch in the comments below!